In class, we have been discussing at length communication skills and the steps that we all need to use to be able to communicate effectively with others.
The Four Steps of Communication, as defined by Michelle Garcia Winner's book, ThinkSheets, pg.117, are as follows:
Step 1: Thinking about people and what they think and feel
a. Ask yourself, "What are the people near me interested in?"
b. How do they feel about what you are saying?
c. What are you doing to show you are interested in them when they are talking?
Step 2: Being aware of your physical presence as well as the physical presence of others
a. Your body position shows who you want to talk to (or who you do not want to talk to).
b. Your movements show what you plan to do next. This communicates messages to people, even if you are not trying to communicate
c. Your body language and facial expression communicate how you feel about things and people around you.
Step 3: Using your eyes to think about others and see what they are thinking about
a. The direction of people's eyes lets others see what they might be thinking about
b. We use our eyes to help figure out how other people feel, what they are thinking about and if they are interested in the other people they are with.
Step 4: Using your language to relate to others
a. Talk about thinks that are interesting to others.
b. Ask questions to find out about people; make comments to show interest.
c. Add your own thoughts to connect your experiences to other people's experiences.
d. Adjust your language to what the group or other person is talking about.
These are all skills that the majority of people use everyday. However, those with social communications weaknesses have difficulty in using one or all of these steps when talking with others. It can be quite evident when a person is not using one or more of these steps during a conversation.
After an in depth conversation, many students acknowledged that they do not think about others around them to even consider what they may be interested in; nor do they think about how others feel about what they are saying. A few students stated that they always talk about X, even if they know that the person they are talking to is not interested in the topic. Several students reported that they often get in trouble with their parents, because they are unaware of the message that their body language and facial expressions (e.g., eye rolling, grimacing, etc.) are communicating. These nonverbal expressions can lead others to have different sized (e.g., medium: weird or annoyed) thoughts that can have negative effects on their social interactions.
If you are not thinking about people and what they think and feel, then you are not going to be using your eyes to think about others and see what they are thinking about. For example, if you are talking on and on about a video game, and the girl you are talking to is looking at her watch, looking else where, and giving short one word responses, you are missing her nonverbal cues, because you are not using Step 1, 2, and 3. However, if you are using Steps 1, 2, and 3, then you are more likely to use Step 4; which is to use your language to relate to others, and talk about things that are interesting to the person you are talking to.
Most people do not need to think about these steps of communication, because they are innate. For some, like my students, these skills need to be taught. Therefore, if your child is not thinking of others or unknowingly using nonverbal communication, you could say, "I can tell from your facial expression/body language that you are feeling/thinking..." or "if you were to read my facial expression/body language, you would be able to tell that I am not as interested in the (topic) and try to talk about something that would interest both of us."
The Four Steps of Communication lead to the ability to initiate a conversation with familiar people. If you are not successful in using and recognizing these four steps, initiating a conversation can be quite difficult.
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